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  • October 4, 2015

    The Lamest Opening Night Report Ever

    October 2, 2015

    I texted the Captain of the Westerly dive boat and asked if there was any way I could get on the boat tonight.

    He replied, “No chance, boat is FULL.”

    I waited too long to get my spot, as I wasn’t sure if I was over my illness or even had the money until just recently.

    Well, I’m not going to do the break wall, and there are five and a half more months to catch lobsters, so I stopped by Timeless Pints where I met some friends for a beer or two, or three, or four.

    I was asked if I wanted to go down to the Long Beach Aquarium for “Dive Night.

    Long Beach Dive Night

    A night dive?

    Hell, yeah!

    I went home and was picked up by my friends who were in an Uber car; I had my SCUBA gear with me.

    Well, that’s when I found out that “Dive Night” is just a name, and there is no diving on “Dive Night.”

    Long Beach Aquarium

    Well, what the hell else was I going to do?

    Live band.
    A live band.

    Storm Troopers.
    Storm Troopers.

    Jelly fish.
    Jelly fish.

    Long Beach break wall.
    The Long Beach Breakwater…

    A lobster!
    …at least I saw a lobster tonight.

    Live band

    I met this really hot chick who was a friend of my friends.

    After several rounds of $8 beers, she begged me to come to her place and fuck her.

    I found out from one of my friends that she is a little nutso and wants to get pregnant by anyone, so she can blame it on her fuck buddy that has a job and a nice house.

    “She takes a needle and pokes holes in his condoms,” I was told.

    After I stopped paying attention to her for 15 seconds, she was hanging on to some other guy, begging him to fuck her.

    Why are nut jobs attracted to me?

    Shark petting zoo
    Shark petting zoo.

    Weird chick
    I have no idea what this chick is doing.


    The night ended without incident.

    Talking to some people who went on the Westerly, some limited on the lobsters, most got one or two and a few got skunked.

    The season is just starting… sorry for the lame Opening Night Lobster Report.

    October 1, 2015

    Lobster Season Is Almost Here!

    Yes, it’s that time of the year!

    Just like the beginning of any hunting season, every yahoo with diving equipment or a hoop net crowds the waters waiting for midnight, unless you are like these poaching douche bags.

    And every year we hear about diver deaths on Opening Night.

    So much so, that the DFG has been debating for years on whether to officially start lobster season at dawn.

    So far they haven’t changed the start time, probably because it’s a stupid idea and will only push problems later on in the day.

    Most have died because of a lack of experience, heart attacks, being run over by a boat or trying to “out macho” other divers.

    As far as being a macho lobster hunter, nobody will ever match the lobster hunting of The Duke – so there is no need to go outside of your abilities.

    John Wayne took frequent trips to Acapulco, Mexico where he would engage in lobster hunting.

    Talk about diving macho…

    John Wayne lobster hunting.
    With no wet suit, gloves or even SCUBA diving equipment, The Duke would free dive down and catch bugs – or as he called them, “Red Coats.”

    And, if he did it after 1964, he only had one lung!

    Anyway, I have a stand-by spot on a large boat on Opening Night, so there is a good chance that I may not be going out.

    I was told to just show up with cash in hand and wait until I get thrown off.

    I told Chipper, “I know I’m a dick, but I’m not a total dick.”

    Chipper replied, “You sell yourself short, you are a total dick.”

    We will see what happens – and my ear has been bothering me again.

    But who cares about an ear, I have two.

    I have a total of six readers, and want to keep all of them, so be careful tonight.

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