I’ve been trying to get in to a few cage matches to earn some quick cash for new SCUBA gear.

Unfortunately, I have found out that you need at least some experience in fight competitions; bar brawling doesn’t count and neither does saying to the promoter, “Just let me in there so I can kick somebody’s ass.”

So it’s off to the Copa Pacifica Ultimate Jiu Jitsu Death Match Competition!

I signed up for the super heavy weight division – those competitors between 205 and 213 pounds.

When I showed up for weigh in the day before, I tipped the scale at 214 pounds.

But the guy said, “I’ll give you a pound for your clothes.”

I thought everything was cool until I noticed my name was signed up in the sumo weight class division.

Sumo weight class is often referred to as the “unlimited” weight class; it’s for competitors who weigh 214 or more.

This was not what I wanted!

The judges explained the rules to us…

:

No biting…
No eye gouging…
No pulling hair., etc. etc…

I thought to myself, “Great, I’m going to have to rethink my strategy in a matter of minutes.”

A competitor would win based on either points, a submission hold or choking their opponent until he taps or passes out.

Psycho vs. High School Wrestling Coach

This guy outweighed me by 60 pounds.

I thought about all the mental anguish and torture some of my exgirlfriends had brought to me – I was going to take it out on him!

We mad dogged each other as the referee reminded us of the rules.

The referee wished us the best of luck, we shook hands and we were off!

We danced around for a few seconds trying to take each other down; finally I got him off balance and pushed him forward for a 2 point take down.

Unfortunately, as we landed, I ended up on the bottom; I tried to sweep him, but would have had better success pulling a tree stump out of he ground.

He tried to pass and take side control, but I stopped him in half guard and then he tried a Kimura – the oldest trick in the book!

As he tried to twist my left arm off, I pushed up on his arm pit with my right hand as I retracted my left arm.

Knowing he doesn’t have it, he put his knee in my nuts and started to try and pass, but I ended up kicking him off… and out of bounds!

The referee restarts us standing; he shot in for the take down and I missed a perfect opportunity for a guillotine choke.

We try and knock each other off balance and we both go down; I think I received the take down point.

I tried to take his back, but he was holding on to one of my legs.

He let go and turtled; I later found out he didn’t want his shoulders pinned as in a wrestling match.

I took his back for four points and proceeded to try and secure a choke hold… until the time ran out.

I win by points.

Psycho vs. Garden Grove Mauler

I tried to intimidate my next opponent by making funny faces at him.

The referee did his short explanation again; we shook hands and it was on!

We danced around a bit, trying to knock each other off balance.

I faked shooting in and as I came up, he shot in, took me down and landed right on top of me.

Well, this sucks!

He was trying to pass and I was trying to either sweep or kick him off.

I finally had my opportunity to kick the guy off, but he grabbed my knee and passed to side control…

Then he mounted – Oh fuck!

I knew I was losing hard, I was hoping for a submission to win.

I grabbed across his lapel, and he went for an arm bar.

Fortunately for me, I was able to counter by getting up and walking over him; we both fought for dominance…

…and he regained side control.

I’m was really fucking tired by now; he took two more points with a knee ride before taking side control again and…

…I’m assuming, waiting for the clock to run out.

I didn’t think anybody was better than me, but I know there’s at least one person who is.

My last opponent went on to fight this other huge guy and won our division in what was probably one of the most exciting match that day; it went in to over time without a score.

After the last match, I was about to go slam a beer in the parking lot until I found out that I had come in third place out of eight competitors.

So, I can’t say my cage fighting career is getting a great start.

I guess the good thing is, I lost purely off of points, fought against people much heavier than me and did not get submitted.